I want to hear from you.
I don't know how to do this. I have to be secure in the feeling that I will hear from you eventually. I have a lot of difficulty doing that. I think about how comfortable you feel with me and how easily you touch me now. I think of that and I feel better. Things are different from how they once were. I will hear from you.
Right?
And just like that, the anxiety rises in my chest. Why does this matter so much? Why can't I just accept my life, day to day? You implied that you think of me sometimes. I think of you so much more than that. But what if this non-communication can make that cease? What if I can learn to just fucking relax and give up my crazy need for control?
That would be wonderful. Do you know? Have you been there?
You are not so advanced from me. Just different.
I think about our bike ride. I think about how hard you push yourself then. You challenge yourself that way. How about you challenge yourself with me?

Yeah, I think of how you want to ride up hills just because it's there. Just to show yourself that you can. It reminds me of Gattaca, when Jerome, the natural-born brother, and Anton, the genetically perfect brother, swim in a race against each other. Anton can't believe that Jerome has beaten him. Not only that, Jerome saves Anton and pulls him to shore. When Anton asks Jerome how he won, despite all his flaws, Jerome says this: "You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton: I never saved anything for the swim back."
That is you. You don't save anything for the way back. Me, I plan for both ways. Is this the difference between now and later? Is this the difference between you and me?